The Way It Was
by Fuyumi
Summary: A series of letters exchanged between Harry and Hermione beginning when the day before her wedding, Hermione decides to put to parchment a few of her most favorite memories.
1. Hermione : The Way It Was

**The Way It Was**   
**Disclaimer:** I don't own HP or any of these characters. That belongs to JKR, Scholastic Books, Warner Brothers, etc.   
*note: italics indicate a flashback*   


How do I love thee? Let me count the ways. 

On second thought, perhaps I should not. I have a rather important engagement to keep tomorrow, and if I start listing all the things I love about you, I doubt that I would make it there. I hope you understand, love, but I should think that you would want me to make it to our own wedding. 

Still, I think I should write something. In days past, girls used to keep a hope chest. They would fill it with an assortment of things useful for a marriage. And I do mean that in the broadest terms possible. 

I've never had such a thing, nor do I regret that fact. It's much more fun for us to chose those useful items together, don't you think? I know that you no longer have that shopping aversion present in most men. 

The idea of putting something away for later use does intrigue me however. So I thought I'd just put a few recollections to parchment about our relationship. I don't know if you'll read them in our first year or our fiftieth year. But whenever you do, I hope you do find this to be a source of inspiration. And I do mean that in every possible way. 

Would you mind if I glossed over our first few years together? They've been recorded so many times and published time and again. I must say that I agree with you that it is astonishing that people can take such interest in things. I almost regret that you two saved me from that troll—if you hadn't, I would not have to hear that tale and many others repeated to an eager audience many times over. I would not have had to heed requests to tell the story, as I have had on an almost monthly basis. 

But if you didn't save me, I would have never had you. And you guessed it—once again, I do fully intend to imply every implication your mind can think of. And perhaps a few more. My imagination was always better than yours. 

Feel free to try and prove me wrong on that point though. 

Anyway, to get myself back on track, I think one of the most poignant memories I'll ever have is our last day at Hogwarts. We had been through so much. Against all odds, somehow we had managed to win, but at terrible cost. Perhaps I should say you managed to win, but your victory, was one for us all. 

Still, the fact that everyone was now safe didn't do much to alleviate my fears that I would never see any of you again. 

_***_   
_Hermione looked around, desperate to see any of her close friends. Absolute chaos reigned in the hallways after the final feast. Everyone was mobbing around, with hugs being thrown even amongst mere acquaintances. It didn't help that she wasn't that tall. She couldn't see over the heads of most people in the crowd. There was no way she'd be able to find anyone._

_She could feel her heart pounding in her chest. She was happy about everyone being alive to see this day but at the same time, she feared that she would be left behind._

_And now it was happening. They were all leaving her behind. Happily and without a thought._

_Suddenly, an arm reached out and pulled her into a rough embrace._

_It was Harry._

_Inexplicably happy and sad at the same time, she threw her arms around him and hugged him tight. She burrowed her face into his shoulder and took in the scent of him._

_Sobbing, she said, "I thought that you all had forgotten me."_

_He did not even pause to consider his response. "Nothing could ever make me forget you."_

_***_

Have I ever told you how much I love you? I know I have. I lied. I love you more. 

Somehow, you always know exactly what to say to brighten my day. You don't have to think about it—the words just come from you and suddenly, all my worries no longer seem so bad. 

I love you. I would say never doubt that. But although you didn't always have such faith in me, you haven't doubted me for the longest time. 

Thank you. For your love and your faith and for everything you do. 

Looking back, it's hard for me to believe that it took us so long to figure out just what was between us. We both had the worst of luck when it came to dating. You never seemed able to find a girl who was interested in you. All of them wanted to get to know and date the Boy Who Lived. None of them were interested in my Harry. 

It's their lost. The real you is better than any story could ever be. 

I remember all of those times that one of us would seek out the other for comfort. I would say that if it wasn't for bad luck, neither of us would have any luck in love—except for the fact that I now have you. I'm so much luckier than you, love. I have you, and there's no one better, while you have to be content with me. 

I believe that even though all those girls would probably not agree with me. Not a few of your longer girlfriends came to me, complaining that you wouldn't open up for them. How could a relationship survive, if you weren't willing to talk about all that had happened, was the question I was asked by so many of them. 

None of them realized that though the past may have been merely a tale for them, it was and still is flesh and blood for us. And it can still hurt, those memories, even to think of them, much less to speak of them. If you ever want to talk about those times, I'll listen. But if you don't, that's fine too. 

It was after both of us had relationships ending that we finally got our act together. I know that the common lore had us dead drunk and reciting to each other our list of sorrows. That's not true. We were both completely sober. We hadn't touched a single drink. 

And we weren't crying on each other's shoulders. Rather, I remember us laughing. You were teasing me about all the strange quirks my last fling had possessed, while I was making fun of your incredible ability to attract the opposite sex. 

_***_   
_"Just shut up, Harry. Just wait and see. By this time next week, you'll already have girl number . . ."_

_"Is the greatest genius ever to grace the halls of Hogwarts having trouble counting?"_

_"Shut up. And it's not my fault—there's just been too many. No one could count that high."_

_"Not that any of them ever lasted. And you should have more faith in me. Why not just admit the truth and say this same time tomorrow?"_

_"You have a large opinion of yourself, now don't you? Even your attractiveness isn't that great. Or do you already have someone lined up?"_

_"Can't say that I do. But I'm not doing so bad at the moment. I have the exclusive attention of the loveliest, sweetest woman of my acquaintance."_

_***_

That's when everything changed. I remember being shocked, not being able to wrap my mind around the words you had said. I remember looking at you, and you looked as if you just had the most amazing epiphany. And then I saw it too. 

And then we kissed. 

Kissing wasn't enough. It's still not enough. We couldn't get close enough. We had to get closer and closer, getting rid of any and all barriers in the way. Our kisses all lasted a lifetime and each one gave rise to another, deeper, more passionate kiss. We couldn't stop what was happening, for we were both too wrapped up in each. And soon, we were wrapped over, under, and in each other. No matter how close we got, no matter how deep you thrust, I needed you closer still. I needed your heart and soul to breathe in unison with mine. 

And they did. For one glorious moment. And they still do, all so often. 

It was simply amazing. The aftermath—or should I say afterglow—is also pleasant to recall. 

_***_   
_Hermione sighed, happily settling her head against Harry's chest. That would definitely go down as one of her favorite memories._

_Hopefully as the first of many._

_She felt Harry move and looked up to meet his eyes._

_She had always thought the emerald of his eyes to be one of the most brilliant colors she had ever seen. But with love lighting them up—words were inappropriate to describe such a luminous shade._

_He had never looked better, more alive, more like the Harry she knew and loved. She smiled at that thought. Yes, it had been love for a long time and yes, he did look good enough to eat._

_And from the feel of things, it seemed as if he was having similar thoughts._

_She stretched up, to capture his lips in a long, searching kiss._

_"Have any thoughts that you care to discuss?" she asked when they broke apart._

_"Not really." He suddenly shifted his weight and rolled over, so she was trapped under him. Grinning, he began to kiss her neck. "At least, nothing that I care to discuss until after seconds." His lips moved lower._

_Hermione could feel her smile grow wider as Harry worked his way down. It was definitely going to be the first of many happy memories._

_***_

We have had an astounding tendency to make happy memories, haven't we? I'm not complaining about it at all. I just wanted to let you know that I can never get enough of you. 

I can just see the smirk forming on your face when you read it. Somehow, it just makes me want you more. I think I'll have to find you when I finish writing everything down—for your own benefit of course. You can always use another good memory. 

Tomorrow will be a good day. I know it. I think it will be better than that first time when we pieced everything together. I know you think it will be better than when you set your heart on the line to ask me to be forever yours. 

I could have told you that you weren't risking much at all. But I doubted that would have set your fears at ease. So I didn't say a thing. You were having enough trouble as it was. I didn't think that you needed to know that I knew what you were planning to ask. 

_***_   
_The way things were going, Harry would never get around to asking the question._

_Hermione thought it was absolutely adorable how fretful and nervous Harry was. The poor boy actually thought there was a chance she would say no when the exact opposite was true._

_There was no way she was ever going to let him go. If he didn't hurry and get his act together, she would propose to him wherever they were, regardless of it being in private or in public._

_She smiled encouragingly at him yet again. Harry finally seemed to have enough courage to ask the question._

_Much to her disappointment, she was wrong. He had enough courage to start rambling his way towards the question, but not to get to the point._

_"Hermione," he started. "I don't know what you're going to think about what I have to say, just please hear me out. You know I've never been good with words. I've thought long and hard how to say everything and I just hope I can convince you. I may not be the most romantic man in the world, but I hope it will be good enough for you. I love you, you know, I just wish I could say it better. And I think you feel the same way. And what we have together is something really special . . ."_

_"Yes."_

_Harry was thrown completely off-track by Hermione's interruption. "Yes?" he asked._

_"Of course, yes. I don't know why you thought I'd say anything else."_

_"Yes?" he repeated dumbly._

_Hermione sighed. Reaching out, she drew his face close to his and stared straight into his eyes. "I meant what I said. Yes, I will marry you, Harry Potter."_

_"But I didn't even ask the question yet!"_

_"You were taking too long. I didn't want to see you kept in such suspense."_

_"But I had it all planned out. Everything I was going to say. It was going to be perfect."_

_"It was perfect for me. Knowing that you loved me so much to ask was perfect. Knowing that you meant every word you said and every word you planned to say was perfect."_

_"It was?"_

_"Absolutely, completely, totally perfect. So yes again, in case you didn't hear me the first few times. But if you really want to complete your speech, you can try again tonight. Hopefully, you'll be feeling more relaxed."_

_"Since you thought it was perfect anyway, there's no need, is there? I can think of better ways to spend an evening."_

_***_

I hope you weren't too disappointed about me cutting you off. If I had let you rambled on, I doubt we would have had much of an evening left to spend together. 

And yes, my love, you did think of better ways to spend that evening. 

I did eventually find the speech you had planned to recite. I was straightening our room up one day, when I found a slip of parchment with your proposal on it. 

It was beautiful. Absolutely breathtaking. How dare you say you have no talent with words? I've never seen a more moving declaration of love. I doubt that anyone would have said no to such a proposal. 

I almost regretted interrupting you when I read those words. But then I remember what you had actually said. Might I add that you got very off track when you started rambling? Did you even remember anything that you had written down? 

It was perfect anyway. Both what you actually said and what you had written. It just proves that I'm the luckiest woman alive. How many women can say that their loves had given them two perfect proposals? 

And all I could give in return were two simple replies. Yes and yes. And yes a thousand times more and yes whenever you feel the need to ask. 

My lines are much easier to remember, aren't they? I really shouldn't tease you for not being able to say everything that you had planned. 

Especially since if I had to be the one to ask, I would not have had many words thought out in advance. You would have had to been content with a simple, "I love you. Please marry me." It's not very original at all, but every word would have been meant. 

I still do mean all those words. 

I think the time has come for me to put up my quill. I've reached today once again and I can't write what will happen tomorrow. I have never claimed the ability to read the future. I know that tomorrow will be perfect, although I don't know why it will be. 

I'm sorry. I lied again. 

It will be perfect because I have you.   
  
  
  
  
  


**Author's note: ** This was supposed to be a nice, short, sweet fic. *sigh* It turned out much longer than I planned, and certain main characters who will go unnamed were not being very compliant on the sweet part. They kept complaining that they'd had enough of sugar, and they now wanted a little spice. 

So I'm sorry that if this is a tad different from my usual fics. I did try to keep them in line, but they wouldn't listen. As always, I would really like to know what you think. Please leave a review. Thanks.   



	2. Harry : I Dreamed A Dream

**I Dreamed a Dream**   
**Disclaimer: **I don't own HP or any of these characters. That belongs to JKR, Scholastic Books, Warner Brothers, etc.   


I dreamed a dream just now that you were not here. It was seemed so horrible and real that I woke up with the fear that you would not be near. 

I didn't even have to reach for you. It was just a dream, no matter how vivid it did feel, and you're still here in this room with me. Everything in my world is all right. You were in my arms, like you are every night. I shouldn't have been surprised. After all for the longest time, you've been by my side. 

I tried to go back to sleep. Just the thought of you can calm me and having you so close to me should have put my fears to rest. And that did happen. Unfortunately for me, however, although my worries had long fled, I could not fall asleep. I didn't want to wake you. It wouldn't be fair for me to spread my misery and cause you to lose sleep as well. So though I dearly wanted to talk to you about everything, I disentangled myself from you and left the bed. 

I took a seat at our desk and just watched you sleep, while pondering what I should do. It's not easy to find something to do at three in the morning. 

Actually, scratch that. I can think of several things I would like to do at three in the morning but they all involved you being awake, love. The thought of—oh, who am I trying to fool! The thought of waking you, both then and now, is very tempting to say the least. I didn't and I'm not. You've been putting in too many hours at work this week and so you really need your sleep. 

All bets are off, though, if that sheet slips any lower. There is only so much a man can take, my love, and if I see any more skin, I'll just have to have my dastardly way with you. 

I'd best stop thinking like that and look away from you. You're too scrumptious for your own good. Anyway, as I tried to ignore certain urges, I found a letter from you to me. A small note on it said it was just something for me to read when I needed comfort and you weren't near. Technically, I suppose you were near but I needed comfort and so I opened it to read. 

The fact that I was curious about what you could have possibly written did not influence that decision at all, love. 

So I read it and I'm glad I did. I needed to read it after that awful dream. I had pretty much put all my fears to rest but that letter chased each and every single one of my doubts away. I feel so much better know that I've read it. It was just what I needed. 

You usually know just what I need. 

I'm sorry, love. I wanted to say always. I wish it were so but that wouldn't be the truth. Sometimes you don't know what I need. Usually, that's when we're both under a lot of stress. It doesn't happen often but it still does. We seem to drift slightly apart and we're not as in tune with each other as we usually are. Yet something always happens to snap us back together—and the time we spend afterwards is always very pleasant. 

There's one part of that letter that's puzzling me and that's what's inspiring me to write this letter. Where did you ever get the idea that I did not like shopping? Do you actually think that I'd not want to spend time with you? 

When I think about it, perhaps you think that way because I'm not always too helpful when it comes to picking out clothing for you. I don't intend at all, love, to be so useless. There are very few things that don't look good on you—and those that don't, well, I doubt they'd look good on anyone. 

Of course, one problem with us shopping together for you, is that we tend to focus on different things. 

**** 

_"Harry," Hermione called, diverting her husband's attention from his perusal of socks to her._

_"What is it?" he asked._

_"What do you think of this pair?" Hermione modeled the pair of shoes she had just tried on for him. "They're very comfortable, yet still classy enough to wear to dinner Friday night."_

_Harry backed up a few steps to better see the shoes as Hermione walked around in them. "They are very nice," he said noncommittally._

_She rolled her eyes at his evasive response. "That doesn't tell me if you like them." She sighed. Harry always said that he liked everything she tried on. Well, that was except for a few things that she tried on just to make sure that he was paying to attention to what she was considering buying. If he had said that awful purple and green ensemble looked good on her last week when they were shopping, for instance, then she would have known that he wasn't really looking at what she was wearing._

_"They do look very nice, Hermione," Harry protested. "I could be more specific if you'd tell me what you plan to wear them with."_

_"The blue dress, the one with the slits up both sides."_

_"Okay, that doesn't help me."_

_Hermione laughed at his confusion. "I could have told you that it wouldn't have helped you to give a better answer. You don't remember the dress now do you?"_

_"No but that's because you always describe the wrong sorts of things to help me remember. It'd be nice if you'd mention the important bits." Harry's brow furrowed in concentration as he tried to remember the dress that Hermione had mentioned. "Do you mean the dress with the zipper that always gets stuck a quarter of the way down? Then those shoes would definitely match but don't buy them. I'd prefer if you'd wear something else."_

_"Harry!" Hermione's jaw dropped down from shock at Harry's words._

_He quirked an eyebrow up at her. "What? Surprised that I remembered that dress?"_

_"No . . . well, okay yes, but it's not that. Do you actually remember my clothes by how easy it is to get me out of them?"_

_"Of course. One of us has to keep an eye on the important things in life."_

**** 

You had to insist on wearing that dress anyway, didn't you, love? While I'd have preferred for you to wear something else, it didn't matter in the end. I just had to take my time. 

I got the impression you rather enjoyed that. 

Talking about taking my time reminds me of how long we took to see the obvious. I fervently agree with your recollections, love. The memories of that night and its aftermath are some of my most favorite. I can't believe that it took us that much time to get together considering how right everything feels when I have you by my side. 

And before I forget, let me thank you for sharing your thoughts on my proposal with me. Or rather, it'd be more accurate to say let me thank you before I get too wrapped up in other things. I could never forget the sheer bliss I felt when I read that you'd say yes over and over again, should I ever need to hear the words. Yes I know that you love me but I love you so deeply that it's hard to think that you could return that love in full. So I could never forget your declaration of such love and I never will. Yet when I think of you, there's so much that I want to say that I fear that I could forget about thanking you—not because I didn't appreciate your words, never that love, but because I wouldn't get around to it before I put my quill down. 

And before you can think of a smart remark to make about my quantity of writing, let me note that I could go on forever about all the things I love about you if that's what you really wanted. I prefer to think that there are other ways I can express my love for you and other activities that you'd enjoy more. 

Considering how frisky you sound in some parts of your letter, I think that's a pretty safe thing to say. 

I think I'll change topics before that train of thought gets out of hand. Back to talking about my proposal, I had never been more nervous in my life. I never thought that you'd love me enough to say yes and so it brings a smile to my face to know that there was no way you'd say anything else. I'm sure you tried to give me hints about your answer—you basically said so in your letter. I'm sorry for not picking them up, love, but sometimes I am very slow. That's especially true for me realizing that people actually do care about me. It was hard to think that you'd say yes and it was hard to believe that you'd say I do but you did. It took until about a week after a honeymoon for that knowledge to finally set in. 

I think you know the time I'm talking about. 

**** 

_There was nothing better after a long day of work, to come home and bask in having Hermione near. He was utterly content just to watch her read her various scholarly journals at her desk while he sat back and relaxed on their couch. She would glance up occasionally from her reading, meeting his eyes and then lighting up his life with a smile meant just for him._

_As if his thoughts could compel her actions, she looked up right then to glance in his direction. A goofy grin covered his face as her eyes met his. She reached up to flick a lock of hair back from out of her face and then cheekily asked, "Just what are you staring at, Mr. Potter?"_

_He didn't answer. His mind was completely focused on one thing and that was the ring on her third finger._

_Harry's silence was beginning to worry her so Hermione got up and walked over to him. She knelt down in front of him to place her left hand on his forehead to see if he was feverish. Before she could do so, he reached out to grasp her hand in both of his._

_"We're married." His voice was full of reverence and awe._

_"Yes, Harry. We've been married for almost three weeks."_

_"I know that. I mean, how could I not, I was there. Oh, I must sound like an idiot—of course I was there, I had to be for us to get married. It's just that—"_

_"It's just that it's finally set in, hasn't it?" she finished for him gently. "Yes, Harry, we are married and I plight to thee my troth for all of my days and beyond."_

**** 

Those words still leave me breathless. The ease with which you uttered them just takes my breath away and I cannot find anything to say. 

I love you. 

I'm surprised that you didn't think I was barking mad for just realizing then that we were married. It was seeing your ring that did it for me though you probably already know that. That was when I knew that our love would never end just like that ring you wear never ends. Our love will burn throughout our lives and beyond. 

I love you. 

You mean so much to me that I can't even begin to explain just how you fill my world. I honestly don't know how I ever thought I could live without you. 

You figured that out first. You knew long before me how much I needed you. Thank god you're that much brighter than me. I was going to throw your friendship away without thinking of what that would mean, but you wouldn't let me make such a mistake. 

**** 

_"You can just stop trying to get away from me, Harry, because I'm not leaving you alone until you tell me what's wrong with you." Hermione glared at her erstwhile friend. As of late, he had been snappish towards both her and Ron. Ron had taken to avoiding Harry and had advised her to do the same. Hermione had no intention whatsoever of taking that advice though. She knew something was up with Harry and she was going to get to the bottom of it._

_"Did you ever consider that perhaps I don't want to be around someone as boring as you? I've better things to do, you know."_

_"You've never mentioned anything like that before. This change of heart of yours seems very sudden. Remember who it is you're talking to, Harry. This is me, Hermione. You might be able to fool Ron with your act but you are definitely not fooling me."_

_"And of course, Hermione Granger just couldn't be wrong. It's simply not possible for her to admit that maybe Ron's right this time."_

_"You know what. You don't have to explain yourself. I know perfectly well what you're doing here. You're trying to push us out of your life 'for our own good.' Well let me tell you right now that it's not going to work."_

_"You have a very high opinion of yourself, don't you? Not only do you think that you've hit upon the right explanation, you refuse to consider that maybe I don't want you by my side. I think it's time you face the truth Hermione. I don't want you as my—"_

_Hermione slapped Harry across the face._

_"Don't you even dare complete that thought. I'm not going to let you say it. I'm not going to let you do what you're planning to do because I'm not going to let you let him win."_

_"As hard as it may be for you to get this through your thick skull, Hermione, I have no intention of letting Voldemort win." If he had expected her to flinch at that name, he was disappointed. She continued to hold his gaze with her own without wincing even once._

_"You really don't get it, do you?" she responded. "You really are _that_ slow. You really don't understand that if you walk away from us and our friendship that you'll be letting him win. Because you'll be letting him dictate how you choose to spend your life. Because you'll be letting him choose who your friends should be or if you should have any at all. I am not going to let you do that Harry."_

_Harry started to speak but she raised her hand to stop him. "And don't even try to give me that speech on how I'm in so much danger. Guess what—I'm in danger anyway because I'm Muggleborn. So what if being your friend makes me slightly more of a target? I. Don't. Care. I want to be your friend and that's the choice I've made. Don't even try to tell me I shouldn't. This is my life, Harry Potter, and my life alone. It's my choice on how I choose to spend it and I choose to spend it with you."_

**** 

I love you. I wish I could find better words to say but I can't. I'll just have to stick to the simple truth. I love you and always will. 

I should have known then and there that you were the one for me. You had just declared that you'd always be with me and that should have been a bright and obvious clue that we belonged together. 

You see, all my life, I've dreamed of having a friend by my side. It comes of not really having anyone there for me when I was young, I suppose. That friend would always be on my side, believing in me when no one else did and cheering me on in everything I did. I wouldn't have to explain myself to them because they'd know without me speaking. I would always have a shoulder to cry on and there would always be someone to pick me to be on their team. 

So I should have seen back then that you were all that and more. You believed me in our fourth year even when Ron thought I had put my name in. You stood by me to help me out even when you were shaking in fear, like in our third year when we went to rescue Sirius. You held on to me and wouldn't let me go. You stopped me from making what would have been the biggest mistake of my life. I am so thankful that you came into my life. My gratitude is only exceeded by my love for you. I no longer have to pretend I have such a friend in my life. You're all that I ever wanted and so much more. My life is better because of you. I no longer have to dream. Nothing could be better than what my life is now. 

After all, I have you.   
  


**Author's note**—Thank you ever so much to everyone who reviewed the last chapter. I really do appreciate it—those reviews helped so much while I was writing this one. I had started it in mid-April but it just would not flow. But this is what I've finally come up with, after a false start or two, and I hope everyone likes it. Please leave a review letting me know what you think, be it good or bad. Thank you. 


	3. Hermione : Lost Chances

**Lost Chances**   
**Disclaimer: **I don't own HP or any of these characters. That belongs to JKR, Scholastic Books, Warner Brothers, etc.   
  


I hate it when we're fighting. 

It doesn't happen often, thank god, but neither of us is perfect and so together we're still slightly imperfect. Of course we fight and I hate it when we do. Yet as much as I wish that we'd never argue again, something always seems to come up and suddenly I'm not speaking to you. 

I hate it when I'm not talking to you. 

I need to hear the sound of your voice, love. I need to hear you say "Good Morning" in that way that's so you and lets me know you love me too. I need to hear you offering me my morning cup. I need to hear you say good-bye before one of us leaves. It's these words we exchange that help me through the worst of days. That's why it's so stupid of me to get angry with you and then ignore you as if our problems will just fade away. 

I want to make up with you, love. I always do. Yet when you enter the room, something happens and my mind fogs up. I want to talk but all I can think is that you won't listen to me because you're such a stubborn fool and I get angry all over again. 

I should remember that I'm the fool that loves you. 

I should remember that love is patient and kind. Love is not jealous or boastful and it is not arrogant or rude. Love does not insist on its own way but rejoices in the right. That's been my favorite description of love for as long as I can remember. I should be true to it more often and I should be able to make up with you. Yet I know that if I should speak with you now, chances are I wouldn't be able to forgive and forget. Chances are I'd only wind up hurting you more and that's the last thing I want to do. 

That's why I left the room so quickly after you arrived. I wanted so much to spend time with you but I knew it wouldn't work. Not right now, not when the memories of the spat we had last night are still so fresh in our minds. I could be civil perhaps but I should be so much more than just that and so I left the room to think and calm down. 

I found your letter almost as soon as I sat down. S_omething to read when you can't talk to me_, the note on it had read and that's the situation I'm in right now. So I read it and wept. How can you love me so? Even when you're angry with me, you still manage to find some small way of comforting me. I wish I were good enough to deserve you. 

What really got me that it's not fair that I have a few words to comfort me when you have nothing at all. I suspect that you had put out the letter after I had left early for work this morning. It would be so like you to do such a thing. You're angry too but still you find it in your heart to console me as best you can. Perhaps you can't speak with me as well, without remembering our last fight, but you love me enough to let me know it in other ways. I love you more than enough to do the same. 

I just wish I loved you enough to never fight again. 

I can't be so sure of myself so instead I'm putting my thoughts into words for you to read when I refuse to speak. I hope you never read this, love, but I know you will. So let me tell you what I should have told you in the beginning—I love you. I love you more than you can possibly imagine. I love you more than I can imagine for even now I can't fully comprehend the depths of what's between us. I love being in love with you. Loving you makes me a better person. You make me a better person. You challenge me to grow and I hope I'll always meet that challenge. I need to have you love me. Your love is what sustains me, for without love, I am nothing. I wouldn't be the person I am if it weren't for you. I'd still be here in this world but I'd be someone lesser—someone less sure of herself, someone more nervous, someone less mindful of what others may be feeling. If I didn't have you, the world would still continue to exist, but it wouldn't be the same. That's something too obvious for me to say aloud but it's still true. The sun would still be as bright, the grass would still be as green, but Hermione would not be as Hermione if she didn't have her Harry. 

I love you. 

I think I remember the night you wrote that letter. I had woken up the minute you left my side. I can sleep without you, love, but I never want to and I always can tell when you leave the bed before me. I hate it when you do that. I wish if you woke up, you'd wake me rather than leaving. Sometimes I follow you out of bed but other times I just watch you. Sometimes I think you need some time alone, some space to breathe, some air without me. So I give you that space and let you be because I know that no matter what happens, you'll always come back to me. 

That's not the reason why, however, I stayed in bed and watched you that night. 

I did it because I love watching you. I love watching you when you're happy, when that grin of yours covers your face and makes me smile too. I love watching you when you're puzzled, when I've figured something out before you and your face crinkles just so as you try to catch up. I love watching you when you're tired, when your eyes keep closing but you keep snapping them open again in a vain attempt to stay awake. I even love watching you when you're sad, when you can't seem to smile and I can see those tears you're holding back. 

I like it best however when I'm watching you loving me. It's not just when you're loving me, in that most intimate of ways, with your green eyes burning with desire as you thrust your way ever deeper into me as we reach for the heavens. I cherish those moments. I won't ever be able to get enough of you. But though I treasure those times when we're joined together in every single possible way, I love those times when you love me in different ways just as well. I love watching you tease me with that smirk I know so well. I love watching you when you're worried, when you think I haven't had enough rest and I need more sleep. I love watching you think of me, when you think I'm not looking. So it came to no surprise to me that I love watching you writing to me, with your brow furrowed in thought and your long, elegant fingers moving so gracefully across that piece of parchment. 

There are so many things I love about you. I could spend all night and more detailing every one of them for you. There are some things, nonetheless, that I can't like. Actually, there's only one thing that really gets to me, that I can honestly say I hate. 

I hate it when you put your life in danger. 

**** 

_Hermione blinked her eyes open determinedly. She had to stay awake until Harry came down. She had to convince him that she was right now before it became too late. She had already marshaled all of her logic to lay out her arguments in the best possible light. All that remained was for him to come down the stairs and for her to present them to him_

_She hoped against hope that it would be enough._

_Soft yet steady footsteps told her that someone was making their way down the stairs. She got up to stand in the middle of the Common Room and waited. If it were Harry, she would have the talk she had been meaning to have with him since before the school term started. If it were someone else, she'd just sit back down again and wait some more._

_She could see his eyes before anything else, two bright points of light in the grey of the early morn. She heaved a sigh of relief that she wouldn't have to wait any longer. She could see the last vestiges of sleep slowly releasing their hold on Harry as he came into focus. She saw his eyes widen as he recognized just who was waiting for him._

_"Good morning, Harry," she greeted him softly, "Can we talk?"_

_"Of course," he replied. "But can we make it quick? I do have to get to practice, you know."_

_"That's what I want to talk about."_

_Harry was surprised at Hermione's words. Since when did she ever want to talk about Quidditch? She still had yet to figure out that there was no such thing as a "Wonky Faint." Cautiously, he said, "What about it?"_

_She took a deep breath before responding. "I think you should give it up, Harry."_

_He jumped up slightly, startled from such a drastic proposition. "And why do you think that? You know that flying's my favorite thing to do!"_

_She sighed. She knew he would respond that way but that hadn't stopped her. This was too important. "I'm not saying that you should give up flying. I'm just saying that you should give up playing Quidditch. It takes up so much of your time, you know and you have better things to be doing."_

_"Perhaps I don't want to be doing other things." His chin stuck out stubbornly as he stared straight into her eyes. "This is something I_ want_ to do, Hermione."_

_"I know. You know that I do. But think about it objectively, Harry. We have our N.E.W.T.s this year to study for. That's going to take a lot of time and you'll do much better if you can concentrate on them. You also have to worry about You-Know-Who. I hate to think about it but we all know he's going to come after you again. You'd do better to spend your time with extra Defense Against the Dark Arts lessons instead of playing that stupid game. If you weigh all of the factors together, you'll see that it's just not worth it."_

_"I don't think it's a stupid game at all and neither does most of Hogwarts. Just because you can't appreciate it, doesn't mean that it's worthless. And might I remind you that every game we win means more points for Gryffindor. We need those points, Hermione, especially with all the points that you know Snape is going to take off. If you don't have anything else to say, then I have a practice to get to." Steamed that she had the audacity to suggest such a thing, Harry turned away from her and began to walk off._

_She grabbed his arm before he could even walk five paces. "You can't do it, Harry!" she exclaimed, with tears rolling down her cheeks. "It's too dangerous, you can get hurt so easily so you should just stop!"_

_He hated to see her cry so he brought her into an embrace and calmly stroke her hair in an attempt to get her to stop. "Don't cry," he whispered. "You worry too much. I won't get hurt."_

_"You can't promise that, Harry Potter." She pulled back so she could glare at him. "You've been hurt before and you know perfectly well you could get hurt again. You should just quit and work on more important things, things that can keep you safe later if you have to face him."_

_"I'm not going to quit, Hermione. I'm sorry if that would make you happy but I'm not going to do it. Remember what you told me last year? That if I change my life, if I stop doing the things I love to do or being with the friends I love to be with, then I'm letting Voldemort win? That's the same thing here. If I quit so I can spend my time on extra lessons, then he's won. You didn't want me to give in then and you shouldn't want me to do that now."_

_"It's not the same," she insisted. "It's one thing to be friends with me. I'm not a danger to you one way or the other. I would never hurt you. Quidditch is different. You can get hurt playing that game. You could die chasing that stupid _stupid _golden snitch! It's not the same, you wouldn't be giving in and you know it!"_

_"So what you're saying is that I should quit not to spend more time studying but because it isn't safe."_

_"That's exactly it. I can't stand to see you in danger, Harry. It kills me to watch you play that game."_

_"I'm sorry you feel that way. I wish you wouldn't worry about me like that." Harry sighed. He did hate making Hermione worry but there was no way he was going to give up his position as Seeker. "Let me put it to you this way. I don't want to be always safe. No, don't open your mouth and ask if I always want Voldemort after me. You know the answer is no. But I don't want to stop doing things I love just because they might not be safe. A little danger is perfectly fine with me. I know that I can fall off my broomstick, I could get hit hard with bludgers, that I could get hurt in a hundred different ways. I don't want to be hurt but that's a risk I'm willing to take. I don't want to be smothered, Hermione. I don't want to be wrapped up in some kind of protective cocoon where nothing could ever hurt me. That wouldn't be living, if you ask me. I want to live my life and enjoy it and if that means taking risks, then so be it. You told me last year that your life was your own and it's your choice in how you to spend it. Well, my life is my own as well and I don't want to spend it too scared to even step outside. I won't ask you to not to worry although I don't want you to because you're Hermione and that's what you do. So please don't ask me not to play even though it's dangerous because I'm Harry and that's what I do."_

_She couldn't deny the truth of what he was saying. So she backed out of his embrace and said, "Have fun."_

_"I will. And I will come back."_

**** 

I still don't like it when you do things like that. I still hate it when you knowingly place yourself in danger, no matter what your motives might be. I want you safe more than anything else. 

That's not what you want and so we've come to a compromise about that. 

If I can't have my wish for you to be safe and if you can't have your wish for me not to worry, at least we can promise we'll be together. 

If I think about it, that's what I want most of all. 

**** 

_Harry's throat tightened as he watched Hermione finish reading her letter. He had been dreading this moment ever since that letter had arrived from Bulgaria. He knew that Hermione longed for a chance to teach Charms to younger wizards and witches. She had just been handed that chance and he was so afraid he was about to fall in second place._

_She put the letter down with a sigh and glanced over at him. Without even pausing to think, she said, "I'm not taking it."_

_"Why not?" Those words slipped from his mouth before he could stop them. Harry wanted to take them back but then again, he didn't want her giving up any of her dreams for him. "It's the perfect position. I know you've been looking to teach ever since we left Hogwarts."_

_"I have," Hermione clenched her hands to her side to stop them from betraying her by shaking. "I do want to teach but not more than anything else. If I went to Durmstrang, I couldn't be with you."_

_"Just because we wouldn't be in the same country, doesn't mean that we'd have to break up. Long distance relationships are possible, you know. We'd be able to see each other on weekends." Even as he made that suggestion, Harry inwardly grimaced. The prospect of seeing Hermione only two days out of the week was not appealing in the slightest._

_"I don't want to do that. That would be so hard to stand, Harry. You know Lavender tried to keep up her relationship with Seamus when he moved to Ireland. It failed miserably. Long distance relationships are so hard to keep."_

_"You haven't made any promises to me. If you want to—"_

_"The point is I don't. I want to stay with you. Yes, I do want to teach but I'll wait for a job to open up at Hogwarts. Though it might take a long time, I can wait. I still have a job I enjoy so much. And I have more than that—I have you."_

_He sighed. "I don't want you giving up the job of your dreams just for me."_

_"I'm not. For the longest time, I haven't had any dreams that didn't have you with me."_

**** 

That had been such an easy compromise to make. I knew as soon as I saw the letter that you wouldn't like what it had to offer. I knew I was going to refuse the offer even before I read it. It was harder to convince you that I wanted to stay than it was to come to that decision. I had no choice really, not if I wanted to be with you, and once I had decided that no job was worth giving up what we had, I could think of so many other reasons not to go. It would have been awkward meeting Viktor again. It would have been uncomfortable living in a country far different from everything that I have ever known. The more I thought about it, the more reasons there appeared but above all else, I could not go because I would not be with you. 

I wish that it were always that easy for then we would never fight. But this time, I couldn't see any easy compromise to make and I felt that it was too important for me to back down. 

Now that I'm here, alone in our room, while you're elsewhere not spending time with me, it becomes all too clear to me that it wasn't that important. 

Nothing is more important than you. 

Did you know, love, that I was so scared the first time we fought? I thought that you would never forgive all the things that I had said. I wanted to take everything back, I wanted to turn back the clock to change what I did, I wanted to do everything in my power to convince you that our relationship was still worth it. I was so scared that it would end. 

I should have known better. 

It will never end. 

I love you. 

That's a word I've used a lot tonight. Looking over what I've written, I'm almost embarrassed how many times I've used that four-letter word. Yet there is no other word that is capable of describing what's between us, of describing of everything that you inspire in me. It's more than just a feeling—it's something that lives. It's the bond that ties you to me and me to you. It gives without taking and it mends before breaking. It's what keeps us together, during our worst of times, and it'll keep us together for ages to come. Love bears all things. Love endures all things. Love hopes all things. 

Love never ends. 

You know what? I don't think I should be writing to you any more. I think I need to be speaking to you, to be telling you once again just how much you are loved. I've lost too many chances already today to tell you that you are adored. 

But just in case you doubt that the next time I'm to angry to speak with you, let me make myself clear on this one point before I leave to go to you. I love you. No matter what I might say, no matter what I might do, there still is not one moment that I don't love you. What we have between us will always be and we'll find a way to be together, no matter how we might fight or what the world might throw at us. This is the truth and nothing less. 

There will always be a gift of love between you and me.   
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


**Author's note: ** As you might have noticed, Hermione paraphrases from Corinthians 13 in several different places because I don't know a better definition of love. I would greatly like to know what you think about this piece so please leave a review. Thank you. 

Finally, thank you to everyone who reviewed the last chapter. I really do appreciate that you took the time to leave to let me know what you thought. I enjoyed reading your comments, although I'm a bit afraid that a couple of you ranked that last chapter too highly. But thanks so much for letting me know what you thought.   



	4. Harry : Lonely With You

**Lonely With You**   
**Disclaimer: **I don't own HP or any of these characters. That belongs to JKR, Scholastic Books, Warner Brothers, etc   
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****   


Every time we fight, there's this moment, when I swear to myself that I'm not going to let this happen again. That I won't make the same mistake, that I'll take the time to take a deep breath and hear your side. That I'll say, I love you, instead of stomping around and being hurtful. That I won't let you down by not trying to reach out to you and that I won't let myself down by letting myself fight with you. 

There always comes a time, however, when all my promises get thrown to the wind and before I know what's happened, I find myself fighting with you again. 

And it's times like this that I despair of ever growing up and getting this right. 

I know perfectly well what I should do. I should go out and apologize to you, tell you I love you and hold you tight until you know that through and through – but instead, I'm just sitting here at my desk and moping because I'm lonely without you. Not very adult at all, but the truth is, I'm scared. I can't help but get scared each time we fight – that you'll see the light and see that you can do so much better than me or that you'll decide that you're tired of all this and get up and leave. Of course, I know that you wouldn't do that . . . but just because my head knows that for a fact doesn't mean my heart's convinced. 

Though that's not exactly right either. I should say there's a part of me that knows without a doubt that you'll be my side – how could I not? you've never abandoned me before but have always been with me, lending me your strength. But there's another part of me that can't believe that I could be so lucky to find someone that devoted, because frankly, I'm not worth such devotion. And I hate being so doubtful and petty, and I can't even tell you about it because just thinking that way makes me feel so low – and then I feel even worse for not trusting you with that secret. 

There is still so much I hide from you. 

Not because I don't love you and not because I don't trust you . . . but more because I simply can't do anything but hide it from you and everyone else. It's like this dividing line that I simply can't cross, that no matter how close we get or how much in love we are, I can't share everything with you. And you don't share everything with me. You can't share everything with me. Maybe it's to keep ourselves separate, to keep our own identities so that we're not just HarryandHermione – though the thought of being that is lovely, it's scary all the same – to have someone who knows the darkest part of me, to have someone who could see and judge every bad thing that I do. So you could say, that even when I'm with you, there's a part of me that is lonely with you. 

And this doesn't exactly sound like a love letter, does it? 

I suppose you'll be interested in this academically and try to puzzle out just how two people who care for each other so much would still want a protective space around them. The irony is, the space that's meant to protect us from harm causes so many of our fights that hurt us so. 

Because it's irrational for I know how important it is for us to keep a portion of ourselves back – but there's nothing that makes me mad like hearing that you've kept a secret from me. 

****__

_"So . . . had a good day at work today?" Harry asked too casually.___

_"Yes actually," Hermione replied, looking up from her journal. There was something to Harry's tone that warned her to be cautious. "Busy, as always, but good. How was yours?"___

_"Fine," he said, but the way his jaw clenched gave belied his words. "It would have been even better if I could have met my wife for lunch today, but I hear that she had other plans."___

_Hermione restrained herself from sighing. "Yes, I had other plans, to meet an old friend for lunch. I don't see that there's anything wrong with that. Yes, I'm sorry that I didn't tell you so you could join us, but then, you never mentioned to me that you'd want to spend lunch together today."___

_"So I now have to schedule time to spend with my wife? I'm sorry, I forgot all about that internal memo."___

_"I don't see why you're so upset about this. It's not as if we had plans and I had forgot all about them. I just went and had lunch with an old friend."___

_"I hardly think that Viktor Krum is to be classified as an old friend."___

_"He is an old friend of mine. And he's tried to be a friend to you, but you've never seemed to want to speak to him."___

_"Hermione, let's be honest. He's not an old friend, he's an old flame."___

_"Oh I can't believe this . . . are you trying to say that I can't see him just because I dated him? Only once, I might add, at the Yule Ball so I hardly think Viktor counts as an old flame of mine. I was never half as serious about him as you were about Cho . . . and yet I don't monitor your conversations with her."___

_"That's different. You know that was infatuation, that there wasn't anything ever between us."___

_"Still more than Viktor and I ever had."___

_"Or more than you'd admit to."___

_"And just what are you trying to say, Mr Potter?"___

_"You had an abnormally long lunch, Mrs Potter . . . that is, if you still want to be called that."___

_"I don't believe this . . . so what if I took an hour lunch instead of half an hour? Nothing happened. I would think that you'd trust me by now!"___

_"I would think that my wife wouldn't prefer the company of other men to me – but I guess I thought wrong, now didn't I?"___

_"Oh for heaven's sake . . . you know what, there's not much point in talking to you when you're being so immature. Let me know when you're willing to start acting your age and then we'll continue this conversation." With that, she tossed her curls and left the room._

**** 

That fight – the one about you meeting Viktor for lunch – yes, I know I was wrong and I am sorry for starting it. But there's this part of me that does wonder why you didn't tell me about your lunch date from the start, why you'd hide that from me. I wouldn't have been as upset if I had known all along. That's not to say I would have been happy, or that we wouldn't have fought about it but I wouldn't have felt as bad as I did. I don't want to run your life, I'm just happy to be able to share parts of it with you . . . scratch that, I am happy to share parts of it with you, but I always want to share more of it, even though I keep a bit of myself back. And I know I'm babbling now, but it's late and I'm by myself and that's sort of my fault as well— 

And I've just realized that I've not bothered to tell you how much I love you yet in this letter. 

You know, I do, or at least I hope so. If you don't, then it's my fault, and I've done something terribly wrong and I hope you'll forgive me. But I'm almost certain you do – only almost because there's a part of you that I can't see but you need that part to stay you – and if for some reason you do have doubts, then I hope you'll let me know or that I'll be wise enough to figure it out sooner rather than later. 

Right now, however, I can't have complete faith in my ability to understand you. I like to think that I understand you better than anyone else in this world, but even that's not enough. And that scares me and that makes me sad and that makes me feel so powerless and alone . . . to think that no matter how much I love you and how much you love me in return, that we'll never be perfect together, that we'll never be completely together— 

But that doesn't matter, does it? 

What matters is that we do love each other, that we do try our best to understand each other and get along . . . and if that understanding is marred along the way with some painful fights, so long as we work it out, it's okay. I was told once that success isn't a destination, but rather a journey. If you consider love to be the ultimate measure of success in a person's life, then the same must apply. Love isn't something that stops you and freezes you into a single perfect moment. Rather, it forces you to grow, to change . . . and it never ends. Amongst all the words shouted in anger, the doors slammed in each other's faces, the glares and the heartaches, it's always between us, a little bit of hope and a little bit of fate that we'll find our way back together again. 

****__

_At the time, sending those roses had seemed like a good idea. Now, however, he wasn't too sure about that. He didn't want Hermione to think that he was trying to buy his way back into her favor, that he could solve everything with a bouquet of roses. No, he was honestly tired of fighting with her . . . and he wanted to let her know that he missed her so much he could hardly breathe.___

_"Hey there," Hermione's voice greeted him softly as he walked through their front door. He nodded at her, shrugging off his robes and hoping that he'd have enough eloquence in him to say what he needed to say.___

_"So I . . ." he stuttered.___

_"I got that bouquet of roses you sent . . . that was nice," Hermione blurted out before he could continue.___

_"Oh. Thought you might like that," he said.___

_"Yeah, I did."___

_This seemed to be going nowhere. Harry knew what he wanted to say – that he was sorry, that he loved her, and that he missed her and wanted to be together again. The problem was trying to force the shape of those words out of his mouth.___

_"I miss you," Hermione said quietly.___

_Harry looked up at the sound of her voice. "I miss you too. And I'm sorry for not listening and I love you and I miss you and I just want to be together again." There, he had said it and if she didn't accept—___

_"Oh Harry," she cried and flung her arms about his neck. "I love you and I . . . you do know there was nothing to that meeting, right? It was just between old friends, nothing more, because I love you and not—"___

_"I know, I know. I was a complete jerk, and I'm sorry. I don't mean to dictate your schedule or who you could see . . . I . . . I'm sorry. I won't do it again, I promise."___

_"I know," Hermione repeated. "I know you didn't mean to do that, that you were just scared and that I should have been more patient—"___

_"Why when it was my fault?"___

_"—but it had been a long day, and I just didn't have it in me to take a deep breath, tell you I love you and that seeing Viktor meant nothing. Maybe it wouldn't have prevented this fight . . . but I should've tried."___

_"I should have tried harder too," he said. "So next time – maybe we both do that?"___

_"Oh! I hope there never is a next time!" she exclaimed, hugging him tighter.___

_"Me too . . . me too."_

***** 

But of course there was a next time – this is that time – and I know I could have done things differently to maybe have prevented this . . . but as I said before, I'm not perfect and I wish I could be because you . . . you deserve perfection, you're so great. All I can promise is that I'll always love you and that I'll keep trying. If I should happen to lose it and not do everything I can do in particular instances . . . well, you can rest assured that eventually I'll come to my senses and try to make it up to you. 

Like I should do now, instead of writing this letter. I'm procrastinating, I won't deny that here. I'm putting off going up the stairs to speak with you because there's this one part of me that's wondering if you'll take me back, if things will work out right. It's silly because there's no one more understanding than you, but there is always that doubt. I think it's that same doubt that makes it hard to say the words, "I'm sorry." So I guess you could say that I'm trying to work up my courage, brave Gryffindor that I am, to see my wife who might have been— 

Oh god. Are you crying? You might be, considering everything that was said and I . . . 

I can't write this anymore, not when you might be crying your heart out upstairs. If you ever see this though, please know that I love you, I love you, I love you – and if you just wait, I'll always find my way back home to your side.   
  
  
  


**Author's note:** Sorry for the long time between updates, but this is one of the harder fics for me to write. I've had this started on my hard drive for quite a while now. In any case, I would greatly appreciate it if you'd let me know what you thought of this piece, be it good or bad. Thank you so much to everyone who has reviewed the last three chapters and I hope you've enjoyed this chapter. 


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